Guys.....Change of plans

Ok, howdy people. I'm back after posting my first blog, and it's only been half an hour ;-). But sorry to inform you of a change of plans. Instead of writing about the gay community, I'm actually going to write a blog about guys. But more specifically gay guys - if it wasn't obvious. I just had a lot on my mind lately about this issue, and I guess I'm dumb founded about my situation, and my relationship with the gays around me. Well first off, I'm single, and have always been single. I've never had a guy to date.

I'm not a hermit, I do go out, and I do club ever now and then, but still no success of find a steady guy to (at least) hang out with and get to know. By the way, I meant to mention earlier that I am by no means an asshole, and that anything that I said in my prior post is strictly my opinion, and just that. I don't hate gay people, or the culture, or the community, or effeminate guys. I just have a problem with some of all of that. Doesn't mean I can't be friends with a guy who is out there showing off his sexuality, or be friends with an effeminate guy; instead I just wouldn't want to date this kind of individual. That right there is just a preference. I like guys that are masculine.
Like myself. Or at least somewhere in the middle. I should also mention that I am a pretty easy going person, and that I do not get angry easily. However, I do get frustrated, and typically end up keeping my problems to myself. So I can tell you that it's a good thing that I have a blog, so I can air out and not drive myself crazy! :)

Yeah, so back into the topic... I'm a nice guy, and still single, and all I've ever wanted in life - since I was a little kid was a nice boy to be with.
When I was a kid it meant something different. When I was a teenager it meant something different still... mainly that I wanted to fuck a guy. But, as an adult, I would love to find love. I mean, I've done the hook up thing unfortunately... and that's just not happenin'. I want a guy who will stick around. Someone who will be there tomorrow, not just tonight. Somebody who likes me for me, and not just my body or my dick. I mean, to tell you the truth, hook ups have rarely even felt that good to me. It almost feels like acting.

I might as well be in a porno, at least I'd get paid. I mean, you meet a guy - a stranger, who you barely get to know, and then you suck/fuck, and then he leaves or you leave... and most likely you never see each other again. It really sucks. Not to mention it's unsafe. Not just because of potential diseases, but also because you don't know the person you are going to meet. It's a flawed approach to the gay thing if you ask me... I know others would disagree. I'm sure they feel it takes the stress out of dating someone, you know, just get straight to the point and fuck, no emotions involved. I don't know, it just doesn't work for me.

Well, so I have had no luck finding a decent guy in my area the I could get to know on that deeper level. I'm not picky. Infact my "tastes" in terms of guys is a bit more eclectic than a lot of people. Ok, for instance: I like guys of different races, with my favorites being white, latino, and middle eastern...I like guys of different heights though I prefer them to be between 5'5" and 6'4". Religion doesn't matter, but if he is Catholic we would have an easier time going to church together. I'm for piercings/no piercings, body art/no body art, (of course be moderate with the tatoos & piercings), long hair, short hair, shaved, goatee, full beard, hairy, smooth, slim, average, chubby, athletic, fit, I just don't really dig too obese or too muscular (or too skinny either).

I dig all eye colors (my favorites being brown, green, golden/arburn), I dig all hair colors, my favorite (on light skinned guys) being brown and red. Education isn't too important, but hopefully you atleast had some high school learning, just because it would be nice to know I can have a decent conversation with you. Income level is completely unimportant as long as you aren't currently homeless... and maybe even then if you are clean I might take you in ;-).

By clean I don't necessarily mean hygeine. Plus I was half joking with the last part. And actually, that's another thing - I have no problem if you are the kind of guy who wants to have a blunt every now and then, but I don't want a straight up and down pothead who wastes all his money on the stuff, and I definitely don't want any hard drug users. That goes for alcohol too.

A guy with a good head on his shoulders, knows what he wants out of life, is a plus. A guy who is responsible, caring, with a good sense of humor. And one that is thoughtful of others, and not selfish. Political affiliation-wise, I tend to side with democrats and independents (especially with the new political climate this decade), but I proabably could date a republican too if he doesn't try to push his views on me. Also, someone local is a huge plus. Alright, I think that's pretty much it with the kind of guy I'm looking for.

Oh, and also I would date a guy between 18 and 35, but prefer a guy as close to my age as possible, so more like 20 to 28. A guy would have to be pretty outstanding for me to date him in his 40s and up. That brings me to another thing: What is it with the age thing?

There is a strange phenomenon occuring in which guys my age, and my type (in my town/state) want nothing to do with me, but older guys in their 30s, 40s, and 50s want me bad! I'm talking about everything from hook ups to long term relationships. I can't even find a decent guy around my age and town for just plain old friendship.
And, let me qualify that a bit - I have friends, infact I have plenty of friends and aquaintances, but there are all straight! I have no gay friends.

Infact a couple gay guys I've met in the past, and was sort of friends with briefly, now are not in the area, or are just no longer friends with me - for one reason or the other.
For the two gay friendships that were ended, it was because one of them I made the mistake of getting physical with, and the other I told him that I wanted to be more than friends. I swear, if this was a straight situation, I'm sure that things would not have ended so abruptly. Ok, ok, I know that yes it probably would have, but I just feel that it's worse when already I didn't have any gay friends to begin with, and now I have none all over again. See, straight people have it easy. They have a whole sea of people with which to mate with, and court.

Most guys are straight, and most girls are straight, so if Guy A wants Girl A, and gets denied, he can always try Girl B, C, D, E, F------Z, and so on. But with us, the gays, if we screw up with Guy A, granted Guy A is even gay, then we might have to sift through a whole alphabet of guys, to even find another gay one. (This argument is not taking into consideration guys at gay clubs and bars). I mean in the general public: A straight guy can go up to almost any girl, and about 9 out of 10 times the girl will be a straight or atleast Bi girl. With gay dudes how ever, the odds are a lot less, especially since women outnumber guys. But normal statistics show that in a general population of males, only 1 out of 10 males is gay. Where bi guys fit into that statistic I'm not sure, but still it's hit or miss.

And it's 10 times worse when you are in the closet or partially in the closet. A closet gay guys only means of meeting other gay people typically would be a bar, club, or gay website/chatroom... and maybe even a bathroom stall somewhere, like senator Larry Craig.

But what I'm saying is, it's really hard to meet other gay guys to start, so when we finally do, it's a crucial moment. Anything we do to interact with a gay guy could be a make or break thing. Gay guys who are out, don't understand this as much, since they have plenty of gay guys they know, and have plenty of gay connections that they've made and secured. They are then less inclined to care about what a guy thinks when they interact with one, and are less invested in a gay relationship. They know that if they loose this current guy, then they can just go find another one with out much care.

They don't have to hide anything, they can join all the gay groups and frequent all the gay nightspots without looking over their shoulder. Plus they have plenty of gay friends that they can network with, who will refer them to other single guys if the one they are with doesn't work out. Not to mention, a lot of them also have fag hags who also know other gays, so it just keeps going.
But a closet gay, really, is on his own. He has to go out and meet new people, and create networks, and secure those connections all on his own. He has no support group. Especially if he lives in a community that might be hostile to his orientation.

By the way, I'm the kind of guy who prefers to use the term orientation to describe my sexuality, instead of refering to it as a "preference".
If you choose to describe it as a sexual preference that's fine, but I choose orientation, simply because I don't prefer men over women. I just like dudes (sexually and romantically), and I'm not attracted to women that way. I look at a preference being something in which you compare two things that you like. For instance I like Ice cream. I prefer vinilla ice cream over chocolate. And if you are bisexual you could say, I prefer men over women... because ultimately you like both in the endrun. But, I don't prefer women sexually or romantically at all. So I claim my sexality as an orientation, just a different hemisphere on the sexuality map. I look at sexuality this way:




Straight------------------------------Bi-------------------------------------Gay

And everyone in the world falls somewhere in between those poles.
(In my opinion)some gay people are 85% to %100 gay, and some are only 10% gay.
The 10 percent gay guys would probably have sex with a chick no problem.


A 100% Bi guy probably likes men and women equally, seeing very little difference in
preference, but just looking at them as a different skittle flavor.

Well, me for instance I think I fall somewhere at the 50 to 95 percentile with my gayness. Keep in mind, this has nothing to do with mannerisms, that would be a different chart all together. This is simply a sexual and romantic attraction chart.
Infact, I believe other people have made a chart similar to that one before. I thihnk there is even an online quiz like that. Anyway, I see I've gone off on a tangent. So my general complaint and inquiry in today's post is about why it is that I seem to attract guys way over my age limit, but don't seem to have the same effect on guys my age.

Do I look older? Do I act too mature? Are the guys my age that immature that they just want a guy to fuck, or want an asshole who will treat them like shit and cheat on them? Or maybe guys my age think I'm ugly, and older guys are too senile to know the difference - - I'm really joking here, I hope that doesn't offend anybody. My straight friends tell me I'm the nicest guy they know. Girls tell me I'm cute and handsome. So I know that I can't be that ugly, and I'm definitely not a dick. Sometimes though I wonder if guys my age just want the cookie cutter abercrombie/holister models... The brawny white guys, with perfect smiles and teeth and groomed hair, and razor sharp abs, and surf shorts.

By the way, I forgot to mention that I have a thing for white guys. A huge thing for white guys. Like I said, I like other races too, but white guys are the IT thing for me.
I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's just where I grew up, and the friends I've had, but they are just a huge turn on. Of course, that isn't every white boy, but there sure are a lot that I dig. Part of the fascination could be because they are a majority in the country (no offense, but it's true!). I bet the white guys reading this are thinking: "no offense taken" haha. But yeah, where I live they are all over the place, compare to arab guys - who are mostly in the Detroit area. Or east asians who are a minority here but, a majority at UofM's North campus. And black guys are a decent majority in Detroit proper, but not so much in the suburbs.
Hispanic/Latino guys are very few in my town.

Infact to find a pure latino who isn't also mixed with black or white, sometimes is tough, unless they are illegal. Not to say that you can't find one at all, cuz you can. Anyhow, I'm off topic again.
Ok, so yeah... Well I recently have been perplex when it comes to white guys my age not showing an interest in me, but white guys in their 40s and 50s wanting me bad.
I started to wonder if this was a greater generational thing, like a generation gap.
I started to hypothesize that maybe the reason the 50 somethings liked me so much is because they were around during the Civil rights era, and are more used to the idea of whites and blacks intermixing, and mingling... As opposed to the 20 somethings who have grown up intergrated but really don't have the special awe or interest in the "opposite" race that their for-fathers had.

(BY THE WAY, PLEASE BARE WITH ME, THIS PROBABLY IS COMING OFF AS BORDERLINE RACIST, AND THAT IS NOT MY INTENT). I just think these thoughts, and jot them down with little for thought of how it will sound to the reader. I honestly don't think that white guys have any particular reservations about black men, be it positive or negative, but sometimes - knowing the history of this country, with the two races - you have to wonder. I for one, am attracted to white guys for I think maybe a few different reasons. Well, for one - most of my friends are white. Two, I like their skin tone, and I love their straight hair, which looks AWESOME when wet. Like every kind of human, a great deal of them are cute.

And, lastly I have a lot of interests in things that some of the white guys I know are also interested in. For instance, I like both hard rock, and hip hop... and in this point in American history, either race can like both music genres no problem. I've been told I speak "proper", and that is a decisive issue right there, because I know culturally, a lot of African-Americans speak the way they do because of cultural upbringing, not the fact that they are black obviously.
I have a white friend who sounds completely "black". But it is merely because of his upbringing. Me, I've been told I sound "white", and part of it has to do with the fact that I'm African, and no African-American, and didn't really grow up in any black communities.

You know what, I'm sorry, I've veered off track once again.
Ok, so I was talking about the 40+ years olds liking me, and the 20 something year olds dissing me ;-) Well, another hypothesis I have is that right now a lot of young blacks are listening to a form or rap music that I consider crap. A kind of rap music that is beyond degrading, beyond any musical inspiration, and beyond intelligence. Also, like some previous genres of rap, a lot of it promotes violence and denigrates black people. So in turn, many young African Americans, especially males, are starting to be roudy, violent, ignorant, and so on. And if there weren't ignorant before, they are starting to act it now.

People will do anything if they think it's cool enough. So as a result, other races observing young black males, see nothing but hoodlums and criminals and rapists. Just like the old stereotype that Martin Luther King and others fought to get rid of. And I don't blame white people if they think that all black men are like the dumb bling rappers they see on TV... we the blacks have brought this perception back onto ourselves, and are embracing this destructive view.

So, before I go off topic again, I must finish my point. 20 something year old white guys only see black guys that act like the fools in the music videos: ignorant, materialistic, hoodlums. 50 year old white men however remember a time when it wasn't like that... a time when black men where more respectable, and were eductated, and were striving to be something better. So it makes perfect sense to me that a white guy in his 50s would be more interested in me than a white boy in his 20s.

But I say to the white guys in my age group: Please stop payin attention to those stereotypes, and give a guy like me a chance. Trust me, I'm not like those other guys. I don't sound, act, or think like those other guys. But I do have a nice big round black ass like those other guys ;-p
so if you don't plan on dating me or being my friend, atleast come get some - haha alright now I'm just messing around ;-D . Alright, I think I've been longwinded enough for one night. I'm going to bed. Peace out.

To Begin....

Well, to begin I just wanted to say that my name is Mordan (obviously this is a pen-name, and I also have other aliases that I go by), and I hope that doesn't sound like I'm full of myself...
The reason that I have so  many aliases is partially because I'm not out (to most people),  and also because when ever I join a new social website sometimes I switch my user name to something else, for instance (a2jude22).  

    But, a little about me: I'm 23 years old, living in Ann Arbor, and of African decent.  I'm currently unemployed (not by choice), and not currently in school so I've got a decent amount of time to blog.   To tell you the truth, I never really thought of having an actual blog, partially because I thought that is was a bit of a waste of time, and also didn't see the point at first.
But, well I have found myself bloggin on my little profile on myspace so hey why not make a larger format for my thoughts.  Another reason for this actual blog page is because my myspace profile is one that many of my straight friends and family see and where I can't really share my deep feelings (mainly about my sexuality).  Because, yes I am gay, if you didn't already catch it from the "I'm not out" part.  ;-)   

So, in a way I'm living two different lives, which sucks, but it works for me, and no one (hopefully) gets hurt.   Other gay people look down on guys that are in the closet as "not being true to themselves" and " not embracing who they are".  Well, first of all, gay is not "who" I'm am, but rather "what" I am.  It's my sexuality.  I'm a gay man.  My name is not Gay.  And it's not my identity.   And also, gay or homosexuality is such a vast category of different kinds of attractions and mannerisms, so it pisses me off when folks say someone is "acting gay".  

And even though I understand greatly that sexuality as a whole is a very broad concept, sometimes it bothers me when many a gay male tries to fit the one "excepted"  mannerism of a gay male.   You know what I mean....     Acting gay.   Or.   Acting effeminate.   That is the age-old skewed perception of what a gay person is supposed to act like.   All of us are supposed to act like
females, dress in bright/tight clothing, dye our hair, put on eye-liner, and have nothing but "girl-friends" that we like to go the mall with.   Oh yeah, and we're sissies!    Well.  I can tell you for a fact that I'm none of those things.   I don't wear tight clothing, talk with a lisp, bend my arms,  strut like I'm on a catwalk, wear eyeliner, snap my fingers when talking, wear pink, listen to Madonna religiously (or Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, etc), and I don't hang out with JUST GIRLS.    So, in society's mind, I'm not gay.   But if society knew what I was doing with it's sons, then it would probably change it's mind. ;-)    

But on a serious note: I am very tired of this flawed perception that we have to act the gay stereotype to "be who we are", and have to flaunt our sexualities, and shove it in everyone's faces.    Honestly, who needs to know that we are gay, except for the guys we get with or want to
love?   You don't see straight guys walking around the street with buttons and pins that remind everyone that they are straight.  And you don't see them marching in the street in parades that look like carnivals.   Don't get me wrong, you probably think I've forgotten about the whole oppressive nature of the straight male.   I haven't forgotten, but damn, we only make it worse when we put ourselves out there like that.   I mean come on, we choose the most tackie, in your face, loud, and obnoxious ways to make sure that people know that we are gay.  And frankly, I'm sure a lot of people, including potential "allies", would be turned off by such behavior.   What behavior, you ask?  I mean all the costumes, the half nakedness, the fishnet, the overt piercings, the slave and master uniforms, the skirts and dresses, the outlanding hairstyles, the loud and constant house and dance music, all of the spectacles that surround gay culture can be a little a little off-putting.  

See examples below:

















All right, you get an idea of what I'm talking about.
I mean, imagine how annoying it would be if all the straight people got up one day to celebrate being straight, not to mention how scary that would be!
But you know, if you think about it that way, then you can see why people might get bothered with us, when we march in the fashion that we do all the time.
Gay pride. What does that mean really? I hear it all the time: "I'm proud to be gay, I'm proud to be gay". But no one really seems to ever think of what that means. I'm sure to a lot of you especially over 40, it probably means that you are proud that you overcame the struggles of the 60s and 70s with the gay acceptence issue, but now - does it really mean anything? I mean think about it...
You are proud that you like guys? Are straight guys supposed to be proud that they like girls? To me, pride is something earned, or rather something greater that is fought for. Ok, like "proud to be an Amerian", that one holds some weight. There are thousands of folks in the history of this country who died to make America a better place.

By the way, I don't want to come off as this self-loathing closet case, because that is absolutely not the case. But there are somethings that we do as a "community" that I just think are nonsensical. Oh yeah, and I plan on talking about the concept of gay "community" in another blog ;-). Or proud to have gone to Yale. You stuck through it, you worked hard, did the hard tests, put in long hours, and at the end you accomplished something great. So it would make sense to be proud to have gone to prestigeous school like Yale. But proud to be gay? What, because I was either born gay, or felt gay? Where's the big accomplishment, where's the legacy? Where's the collective struggle? What do we have to be proud about? Aids, art films, porn, and gay marriage? and parades? Honestly. Think about it. I wasn't born into the gay communtiy. None of us were. We had to join, it was like an exclusive club, that you had to figure out the handshake or password to, or the dress code.

You know what? I'm going to stop right here because I can see I'm encroaching upon my next topic "The gay community", and I feel like I've started my blog page on a bad note. I truely want people to realise that I'm not a gay guy in denial of myself, or a gay hitler. Notice I made hitler lower case for a reason (don't give power to evil). Anyway. Yeah, I honestly love the fact that I'm actracted to guys, atleast when it's not depressing ;-). I just take up an issue with some of the belief systems in place in the gay culture. Alright, this is enough for now.
Till next time...