The reason that I have so many aliases is partially because I'm not out (to most people), and also because when ever I join a new social website sometimes I switch my user name to something else, for instance (a2jude22).
But, a little about me: I'm 23 years old, living in Ann Arbor, and of African decent. I'm currently unemployed (not by choice), and not currently in school so I've got a decent amount of time to blog. To tell you the truth, I never really thought of having an actual blog, partially because I thought that is was a bit of a waste of time, and also didn't see the point at first.
But, well I have found myself bloggin on my little profile on myspace so hey why not make a larger format for my thoughts. Another reason for this actual blog page is because my myspace profile is one that many of my straight friends and family see and where I can't really share my deep feelings (mainly about my sexuality). Because, yes I am gay, if you didn't already catch it from the "I'm not out" part. ;-)
So, in a way I'm living two different lives, which sucks, but it works for me, and no one (hopefully) gets hurt. Other gay people look down on guys that are in the closet as "not being true to themselves" and " not embracing who they are". Well, first of all, gay is not "who" I'm am, but rather "what" I am. It's my sexuality. I'm a gay man. My name is not Gay. And it's not my identity. And also, gay or homosexuality is such a vast category of different kinds of attractions and mannerisms, so it pisses me off when folks say someone is "acting gay".
And even though I understand greatly that sexuality as a whole is a very broad concept, sometimes it bothers me when many a gay male tries to fit the one "excepted" mannerism of a gay male. You know what I mean.... Acting gay. Or. Acting effeminate. That is the age-old skewed perception of what a gay person is supposed to act like. All of us are supposed to act like
females, dress in bright/tight clothing, dye our hair, put on eye-liner, and have nothing but "girl-friends" that we like to go the mall with. Oh yeah, and we're sissies! Well. I can tell you for a fact that I'm none of those things. I don't wear tight clothing, talk with a lisp, bend my arms, strut like I'm on a catwalk, wear eyeliner, snap my fingers when talking, wear pink, listen to Madonna religiously (or Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, etc), and I don't hang out with JUST GIRLS. So, in society's mind, I'm not gay. But if society knew what I was doing with it's sons, then it would probably change it's mind. ;-)
But on a serious note: I am very tired of this flawed perception that we have to act the gay stereotype to "be who we are", and have to flaunt our sexualities, and shove it in everyone's faces. Honestly, who needs to know that we are gay, except for the guys we get with or want to
love? You don't see straight guys walking around the street with buttons and pins that remind everyone that they are straight. And you don't see them marching in the street in parades that look like carnivals. Don't get me wrong, you probably think I've forgotten about the whole oppressive nature of the straight male. I haven't forgotten, but damn, we only make it worse when we put ourselves out there like that. I mean come on, we choose the most tackie, in your face, loud, and obnoxious ways to make sure that people know that we are gay. And frankly, I'm sure a lot of people, including potential "allies", would be turned off by such behavior. What behavior, you ask? I mean all the costumes, the half nakedness, the fishnet, the overt piercings, the slave and master uniforms, the skirts and dresses, the outlanding hairstyles, the loud and constant house and dance music, all of the spectacles that surround gay culture can be a little a little off-putting.
See examples below:
All right, you get an idea of what I'm talking about.
I mean, imagine how annoying it would be if all the straight people got up one day to celebrate being straight, not to mention how scary that would be!
But you know, if you think about it that way, then you can see why people might get bothered with us, when we march in the fashion that we do all the time.
Gay pride. What does that mean really? I hear it all the time: "I'm proud to be gay, I'm proud to be gay". But no one really seems to ever think of what that means. I'm sure to a lot of you especially over 40, it probably means that you are proud that you overcame the struggles of the 60s and 70s with the gay acceptence issue, but now - does it really mean anything? I mean think about it...
You are proud that you like guys? Are straight guys supposed to be proud that they like girls? To me, pride is something earned, or rather something greater that is fought for. Ok, like "proud to be an Amerian", that one holds some weight. There are thousands of folks in the history of this country who died to make America a better place.
By the way, I don't want to come off as this self-loathing closet case, because that is absolutely not the case. But there are somethings that we do as a "community" that I just think are nonsensical. Oh yeah, and I plan on talking about the concept of gay "community" in another blog ;-). Or proud to have gone to Yale. You stuck through it, you worked hard, did the hard tests, put in long hours, and at the end you accomplished something great. So it would make sense to be proud to have gone to prestigeous school like Yale. But proud to be gay? What, because I was either born gay, or felt gay? Where's the big accomplishment, where's the legacy? Where's the collective struggle? What do we have to be proud about? Aids, art films, porn, and gay marriage? and parades? Honestly. Think about it. I wasn't born into the gay communtiy. None of us were. We had to join, it was like an exclusive club, that you had to figure out the handshake or password to, or the dress code.
You know what? I'm going to stop right here because I can see I'm encroaching upon my next topic "The gay community", and I feel like I've started my blog page on a bad note. I truely want people to realise that I'm not a gay guy in denial of myself, or a gay hitler. Notice I made hitler lower case for a reason (don't give power to evil). Anyway. Yeah, I honestly love the fact that I'm actracted to guys, atleast when it's not depressing ;-). I just take up an issue with some of the belief systems in place in the gay culture. Alright, this is enough for now.
Till next time...
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